yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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