he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
