LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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