I am spending my child support on dildos
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well I just put wine in my tea
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
