My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
