I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm having to shit out rocks
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