I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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