Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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