we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This is classic penis vs brain.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
