I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
