The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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