my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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