Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
