Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
