I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize