Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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