I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
