I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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