Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
