you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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