please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
