New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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