I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
