I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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