I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
