WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
