get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
