I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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