Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The cops high fived after they tackled you
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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