what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
