U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
