well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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