I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
