Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need moral support for this bender
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
