I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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