is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
