bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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