Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
