One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
