clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
