Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
