I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
