God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
