watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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