How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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