Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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