The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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