Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
