my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
