i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
