the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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