I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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