I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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