im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
