1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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