I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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