we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
