If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
