Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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