So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
